Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder
Over the last couple weeks, our routines have slipped between our fingers and into the wind. Many of us, myself included, are worrying about what this present means for our future. I worry about my family back on the East Coast, particularly the ones with compromised immune systems. I worry about my income, which is now on pause. I worry about the state of our nation’s economy and the health of those who are not as fortunate as myself. I worry about the doctors, nurses, grocery store clerks, delivery drivers, and parents. But also…I worry about my body.
I’ve written about my eating disorder here and there. It’s been a part of my life for over ten years, and at this point, I’ve dismantled a lot of the pain and stigma I have associated with my eating habits. I’ll always be “recovering,” and I’m cool with that. And yet worrying about my body during a national pandemic seems downright shallow. I’m embarrassed to admit that in the midst of everything, I’m thinking about my weight. It feels stupid and shameful—I read some bad news about the virus or Trump and all I can think about is whether or not my jeans will fit in a few weeks. The thoughts are obsessive: I’m afraid I’ll emerge from quarantine as a person that I don’t recognize. That I’ll be judged upon re-entering the real world. That on top of losing a sense of normalcy, I’ll lose control over my body as well.
I’m embarrassed to admit that in the midst of everything, I’m thinking about my weight. It feels stupid and shameful—I read some bad news about the virus or Trump and all I can think about is whether or not my jeans will fit in a few weeks.
Amanda Kohr
Quarantine and isolation mean different things for people, especially for those recovering from eating disorders. For some of us, it means forgoing a healthy diet, one that we’ve learned to implement that’s both steady and approachable. It’s losing access to gyms and yoga studios and struggling not to calculate the ratio of jumping jacks to calories burned in our living rooms. There are social media posts about the “Quarantine 15,” or the idea that everyone is going to come out of isolation heavier, and those can be incredibly triggering. Maybe we gaze back to familiar habits—binging, restricting, and purging.
I feel ashamed of those thoughts, too. The desire to control my weight so aggressively makes me feel ignorant and insensitive, like I’m contributing to dangerous messaging. But it’s confusing scrolling past a post that reads “How to Avoid the Quarantine 15,” and another that says “Loving My Body, No Matter What.” I want to lean toward the latter, but my old habits are desperately trying to draw me towards the former.
It’s easy to feel like the world as you know it is completely changing shape. Our routines, which are essentially forms of self-imposed control, are disrupted, and we are left feeling helpless. Or at least I am.
Amanda Kohr
And so I ask for help. One of the most beneficial ways I have coped with triggers is through community. I virtually met up with Lindsey Hall, eating disorder advocate and author of the award-winning blog, I Haven’t Shaved in 6 Weeks. I asked her how she was coping with quarantine and the fresh stream of fatphobic messaging.
“[When I see something like that], my perspective is really quite simple: I read it, I witness my instant irritation towards it, and then I attempt to practice empathy and radical forgiveness. I refuse to bathe in the fear it creates,” Lindsey responded.
The fear that Lindsey is referring to isn’t just the fear of gaining weight—it’s the fear of losing control. Some of us have lost jobs, clients, access to self-care methods, hanging out with our friends, a good portion of the outdoors, and a general sense of safety. It’s easy to feel like the world as you know it is completely changing shape. Our routines, which are essentially forms of self-imposed control, are disrupted, and we are left feeling helpless. Or at least I am.
Exercising control by manipulating our bodies is nothing new. While eating disorders affect all genders, women have historically been the victims of diet culture. We learn from a very early age that we can control our bodies through food and exercise. (Brands recognize this, and make it easier for us to find calorie-torching workouts, or low-cal foods like SkinnyPop, SkinnyCow, and SlimFast.) And so when we lose those tools—the gym memberships, the easy access to grocery stores, the “safe” foods—we fear losing control over our bodies. Thus, the eating disorder is triggered.
I was surprised at how many of my friends could empathize with the fear of gaining weight during quarantine. My best friend Kait and I were FaceTiming the other night, and I gently asked about “the food stuff.” Though we’ve both had tumultuous experiences with our EDs, it’s not something we often discuss. But in such a time of fragility, talking about our disorders felt both compassionate and necessary.
We learn from a very early age that we can control our bodies through food and exercise. And so when we lose those tools—the gym memberships, the easy access to grocery stores, the “safe” foods—we fear losing control over our bodies. Thus, the eating disorder is triggered.
Amanda Kohr
“There are two things coming up for me,” Kait said. “One, I don’t have my normal workout, my walk to work, access to my familiar groceries…. And two, I’m forced to be alone. The isolation forces me into a space where I see all the things I wish I could control and don’t or can’t.”
People like to compare children to sponges, but adults are sometimes just as absorbent. In a time of chaos and loss of control, it’s hard not to soak up some of the more negative emotions and messaging. We’ve lost control, we’ve lost our routine, and we’re alone. In these moments, as I confront my triggers, I’m able to offer myself compassion—it’s okay that I’m triggered. I normalize it; I move on.
“It’s scary to vocalize how hard this is, let alone how it immediately heightens our daily
disorders, obsessions, and vices,” Kait added. “But I’m learning the sooner I recognize it and call it what it is, the sooner I get my power back.”
Maybe instead of trying to clutch any remaining fragments of control, we can take this as an opportunity to surrender.
Amanda Kohr
This is all temporary. It’s a much needed reminder Lindsey shared too. The world has pressed pause and forced us to create space to be in our homes, in our bodies, and maybe attempt to appreciate the quiet space within. Maybe instead of trying to clutch any remaining fragments of control, we can take this as an opportunity to surrender.
Isn’t that healthier in the long run, anyway? So much of my preoccupation with food and exercise stems from a desire for physical health—but what about my mental health? How does berating myself for eating a Girl Scout cookie or skipping a workout contribute to my happiness? It doesn’t; it makes me feel lonely and like I’m failing. So I’m trying to acknowledge that I don’t always have control. I can’t say that I’m okay with that—I still scroll through the news or lose a client and start to feel the ol’ eating disorder itch creep in—but I’m acknowledging that now is a particularly sensitive time, so maybe I should be more sensitive to myself. It may be just a step, but I think it’s a step forward.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please visit the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) for more information and support or text “NEDA” to 741-741. Other NEDA resources can be found here.
So grateful for this read – It’s vulnerable, real, and empowering. Just what I needed given the current reality we’re facing. Thank you!
thank you for sharing your story. I have been reading Alisa Vitti’s “In the Flo” book and am reading the aprt on diet. Like other areas of patriarchal society, we have all been conditioned to MALES’ 24 hour clock. As she explains in the book, women also have a 28 day clock called our menstrual cycle (28 day long cycle is just an average). Any way, highly recommend as it goes
through why eating for your 4 phases of your cycle is necessary.
I haven’t read this but now I’m so interested!
This book is the best!! Also Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdoms…. ON OUR MOON’s name was inspired by her book! xx
Not about an ED but about negative body self-talk. My roommate left to go to her parents house and at first I was doing okay being alone, but a couple days into it I was angling the mirrors in my apartment so I could see my profile. And I spent all this time looking at my nose. Doubting everyone who ever said I was beautiful. I looked up nose job procedures for the first time in probably 7-10 years. I spent a few days feeling like I shouldn’t even go outside for a walk or a run because I’ll have to see people seeing me and I now know what that means: seeing a big ugly nose on me. I was thinking about past boyfriends and how they must have loved me DESPITE this nose, it must have been something their friends talked about, that their moms wished her son dated a girl with a better face. That the people I’ve hit on thought I was easy because I was ugly, that’s why we got that second drink. It’s a horrible thing, to be alone with these thoughts. I have the freedom, living alone, to hang out with them whenever I want. And if I’m not strong, they’ll stay a long time. So I’ve banned myself from angling the mirrors and it’s helping. I’m telling myself that even if I don’t have a little bloop of a nose, that doesn’t mean I’m ugly. I don’t need to have the face of a model to be beautiful and even the most beautiful women in the world struggle with this, so life wouldn’t be perfect even if I looked like one of them. This quarantine gives us the space to give into every trigger, every bad habit. And living alone for this long feels like a vice vacation. I can do all the things I’m not supposed to and not get caught. But I’m trying to catch myself. I want to be happy and I want to come out of this thing in the best version of myself I could manage. Which means I’m trying really hard to not enable that voice in my head.
I hear you re: not enabling the voice in your head. It’s so hard during times like this because we don’t have our normal distractions. I’ve been using the Headspace app to help me mitigate any negativity. (BTW, I used to hate hate hate my news and begged my mom for a nose job in high school. It took a while, but now I love the bump in my nose. Or at least I’ve accepted it!)
Big hugs to you!
Yes! Feeling a hyper awareness of food consumption & exercise that hasn’t been my normal since I was a teenager. Just opening the fridge or pantry triggers anxiety for me rn! Terrified of falling into bad eating / control habits again.
SAME. My boyfriend is teaching me to longboard which is helping me, haha. It requires such focus and strength and really gets me out of my head and into my body. It’s so interesting how these corona times put us up close and personal with our fears, but I think finding small ways to mitigate or examine those fears can be so nourishing.
A few days into self isolation I noticed my binge eating patterns showing up again. I had a house stocked full of food and emotions were running high. Will I run out of food? Will I get sick? Will I lose all of my money? Will my family survive? I used food to cope, then que the guilt and shame. These are uncertain times where we need to be gentle with ourselves. A quote from raw beauty talks has really helped me: “what are you hungry for that can’t be found in the fridge?” I sat with that and realized, I have the power on how I chose to move forward. I’ve been enjoying meditation, movement, connection, well and pizza!
LOVE this quote. Wow! I’m hungry for connection and purpose. Dayyyyum.
It has for me and every single person I have spoken to. Misplaced anxiety is my definition. Need for control during a totally unknown and uncertain time and we are ashamed we can’t ‘control my any of it, even our eating habits. I was also telling my bestie last night I have never LOOKED at myself so much in my life, zoom meetings, FaceTime, walking past the 5 mirrors in my house 987 times a day (most of those times not showered or wearing makeup or in real clothes aka not ‘myself’ that I am USED to seeing . Add to that trying support local take out, off track menstruation cycles, drinking more etc. everyone I know jokes/talks about their weight and exercise and food intake constantly. We are all looking for absolution, I think.
This is such an important point — we’re seeing ourselves WAY more than we ever would normally! Thank you for sharing!!
This is everything I’ve been feeling these last couple weeks. While I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, controlling my life through diet and exercise has been my MO since high school (28 now). I started quarantine doing 2-3 workouts a day, terrified that if I just sat around all day I’d immediately 1. Gain weight and 2. Lose the muscle I’m so proud to have built. Then I lost control over my sleep schedule and my eating schedule went with it, so i went to bed feeling like crap and woke up with guilt and the cycle continued. I reached out to a therapist Sunday morning after having extreme guilt for kind of letting my body rest during my period. I will have my first session hopefully at some point this week.
It wakes me up. I put on my jeans to “keep myself honest” when no one is seeing me and I should just be trying to cope.