IT’S BEEN A GODDAMN ROLLERCOASTER
Every single time I’m on the phone with someone, whether professional or personal, when I ask “How are you?” I hear versions of the same answer:
“I’m just feeling every emotion at once,” they’ll share in their own way.
Since we’ve been forced to social distance, and some of us shelter-at-home, it seems most of us have experienced a slew of emotions in an incredibly short period of time, sometimes all at once. I’ve cried tears of deep grief, only to cry tears of joy moments later. Anxiety and worry has seeped into my cells, sometimes impacting my ability to think clearly. And yet, a moment of panic can be followed by immense gratitude for the things I usually take for granted. I’ve been angry with folks who show little to no concern about protecting our society, specifically those who are vulnerable, while feeling overwhelmed by how humans, both strangers and loved ones, have shown up for each other during isolation. While I haven’t seen a human outside of my husband in a few days, I’ve never felt closer to my kin, and my species for that matter.
The duality of all of these emotions are complex, and deeply uncomfortable at times, leaving me to feel like I have zero control over them or myself. But I know feeling them is important; experiencing these emotions at once reminds me of what it means to be human: messy and not always pretty. Most importantly, allowing myself the room to really lean into these emotions, instead of suppressing them, allows my more complicated emotions to dissipate faster than they arrived. We can grieve and be joyful. We can be anxious and be grateful. We can be angry and overflow with love.
We can experience lows while cherishing highs. And even in our lowest of lows, if we pay close attention, there is usually a high to be found.
We don’t have to hide or pretend how we feel, and we certainly don’t have to limit ourselves to experiencing only one emotion at a time, especially during moments like these.
MY EMOTIONS OF THE WEEK: ugly crying, LOLing over Tiktok videos, feeling both powerless and empowered.
MY LOW OF THE WEEK: losing a paid sponsorship because of spending cuts.
MY HIGH OF THE WEEK: @onourmoon online dance class. I had a giant smile on my face the ENTIRE time.
High: Connecting with so many people virtually. Whether it be friends, communities, or what not, I’ve been able to talk and find my voice by being gifted online sessions and virtual hang outs. Blessed!
Low: Not being able to plan anything for the future. No vacations, no new things, because no one knows when life will shift back. That can cause anxiety. Sometimes sitting in the now is hard.
I “lost” my wallet and cried for 2 hours. It was by the door all along.
LOW: my grocery store didn’t have any of the food I was looking for. For reference, it took me an hour to leave the house and get my two year old ready.
HIGH: my baby reminding me to be present through many snuggles
I forgot a major key ingredient while baking something, and completely lost it. Only to laugh about it five minutes later.
High: getting offered a job as a content writer for a floral design company I work at.
Low: finding out my professors are barely adjusting the curriculum for the new online format.
Low: Found my hardest but my anxiety got the best of me, broke down last night. Anxious that I got temporarily laid off my second job, and even more anxious that I’ll get lad off my full time job due to this pandemic. COVID is killing people in many ways than one.
High: Woke up between my boyfriend and dog aka woke up surrounded by love.
Low: my friends getting laid off
High: this online community + all of the people supporting each other from afar!
Highs: Randomly connecting with the hottest German guy ever on Facebook, and then chatting for hours with him every night, yesterday we stepped it up to a 3/5h long video chat (!) I’m in Oslo, Norway, and it seems like the online corona flirt knows no borders! haha!
Lows: seeing and hearing ambulances outside and watching people getting picked up from their homes by ambulance workers with full on safety outfits on… very apocalyptic when they are they only ones on the street…
I feel two opposite ways. I feel extremely productive and energized. having time for myself is something I need for real, and doing the things I’ve wanted to do for ages feels amazing. I’m learning like never before and it feels GOOD.
But. This time with myself made me question myself a lot about my current life, what it looks like, my job, my relationship etc. And I came to this point where I wish that this quarantine situation will last a little bit longer because I don’t want to go back to that routine life of mine. I decided I will quit my job whenever all this will end. I want to move abroad and start something completely new. This realisation might be a very good thing for me, it’s just a little bit hard to think that I needed to lock down myself for 10 days to actually see that my life doesn’t suit me. That I’m not happy with it. I sometimes feel guilty too, wanting this situation to last longer. I feel bad…
Tuesday was a shit show of tears and shame and laying in bed all day. Wednesday was my most productive day so far. It’s definitely a roller coaster.
My low : my family not being able to take proper care of my grandfather, but not wanting to send him in the geriatric care system because of COVID-19. Since we don’t know how long these social distancing measures will take place, they’re afraid of being limited in the time they’ll get to spend with him in his last days.
My high : playing dices with my boyfriend over tequila and mango lemonade cocktails
My emotions : 🤯😬🤪😳😑🥰😵😞😂😌😘🙁😝🤗😕😔 so yeah pretty much ALL OF THEM